Terry Tuchin, Diana Lisa Riccioli, and New Jersey's Agency of Torture.

"Torture is a crime against imagination. Or rather, it presupposes, it requires, it craves the abrogation of our capacity to imagine others' suffering, dehumanizing them so much that their pain is not our pain. " -- Ariel Dorfman.

"Our laws are not generally known; they are kept secret by the small group of nobles who rule us. ... it is an extremely painful thing to be ruled by laws that one does not know."

Franz Kafka, "The Problem of Our Laws," in The Basic Kafka (New York: Washington Square Press, 1979), p. 154.

First Day.

The knock at the door came when I was sleeping. I awoke with the first shout and loud banging. "Open the door!"Before I could reach the door, it had been pushed open. Several men and women entered my home. They wore dark clothes. I could not see their faces. They appeared faceless, in fact, inhuman, like machines. Except for one short man wearing a suit jacket and white shirt, who was obviously in charge. He was dark-haired, balding, bearded, bespectacled, husky, slightly prominent jawline. He entered slowly, after all the others. He had no visible weapon. Lights were immediately turned out. My glasses were taken from me.

"Are you Juan?"

He was polite, professional, and seemingly in control of the situation. He spoke softly and reassuringly. There was always an idiotic smile on his face, a face that is burned into my memory. Did you enjoy the Philosophy Cafe sessions that you attended in New York, Terry? Did you represent yourself as an FBI agent to persons in New York, Terry Tuchin? John McGill?

I looked directly at him when I answered his question: "Yes."

"I will be your therapist. We are here to help you."

Someone called him "Terry." Is it still "Terry"? Or is it "Stacy"? Paramus? Ridgewood? None of the others introduced themselves. It was up to me to discover his last name and to find him -- and I have. Terry's preferred method is to drop a little something into a person's Diet Coke before subjecting the victim to questioning under hypnosis, preferably in a law firm's conference room. Remember, Alex Booth, Esq.?

No legal authorization is required for this operation in New Jersey. Words and other signals can then be used to "control" the victim. How many sessions in total have taken place I cannot say. I consented to none of them. All records of these sessions, including video and audio tapes, have been withheld from me from 1988 to today, and (maybe) beyond. Give me those records, Terry.

Globally accepted guidelines governing medical personnel specify that a "doctor shall not countenance, condone or participate in the practice of torture or other forms of cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment," nor shall a doctor or any medical personnel "provide any premises, instruments, substances or knowledge to facilitate such practices." These are fundamental precepts that mean nothing to Terry Tuchin, alleged "M.D.," of Ridgewood, New Jersey. Philippe Sands, "Responsibility," in Torture Team: Rumsfeld's Memo and the Betrayal of American Values (New York: McMillan, 2009), pp. 168-169. (Are you a male nurse, Terry?)

Are you a licensed physcian, Terry Tuchin of Ridgewood, New Jersey?

As Terry spoke, he wandered over to my bookshelves. He inspected their contents meticulously; others were searching my desk, removing my computer, going through my things. "Dr." Terry, placed several of my books in a red bag labeled "evidence." Several volumes of Nietzsche, a biography of Jefferson, Shakespeare, all of my books of poetry, Kant and Hegel, even Freud and Jung, were inspected and removed from my shelves. Terry shook his head when he saw all of the books of poetry, looked at me, then said with a sigh:

"Poetry is unrealistic. It will make you weak and obstruct your social adjustment. We will decide what you can read."

For the torturers of this world books are dangerous. What items did you remove from my home, Terry? Who assisted you in this effort? Who else was present on each occasion when you entered my home, Terry Tuchin? Diana Lisa Riccioli, with whom and when did you enter my home or office?

You must "adjust," be "realistic."

Terry felt entitled to order persons to enter the rooms in my home, to search my things and take what they liked. I was not shown a warrant for this search and seizure, the government agencies he worked for were not identified, the people with him were not named. I believe that Terry also entered the homes of my family members, either under false pretenses or without their knowledge. I have not yet been told anyone's name. It was up to me to discover those names.

I invited none of these people into my home or my life. I consented and still consent to nothing. I will not cooperate with the violations of my Constitutional and human rights. These are unpunished crimes for which New Jersey persons should go to prison. Anyone who cooperated (in any way) with these monsters is shit, as far as I am concerned, and will be treated like shit by me for the rest of my life. The opinions of such people concerning my ethics do not trouble me.

I live in a country with a Constitution that prohibits these actions on the part of government officials, their agents, or anyone acting on behalf (or in the interest) of government agencies, enjoying "apparent authority" and power to bind the government and extract obedience from citizens. This essay and every other written text by me appearing on the Internet will be subject to daily defacements or destruction. American law criminalizes censorship, even as U.S. officials call on other nations to respect freedom of expression.

Mr. Rabner, do you respect freedom of expression by American citizens even when they criticize your corrupt tribunal? What did you know, Mr. Rabner, about these torture efforts and when did you know it?

Crimes like these are committed against many people every day by N.J. government agents. The people who tortured me are known to have committed these crimes by legal authorities in New Jersey who will -- in violation of their oaths of office -- ignore these crimes, while presuming to judge me.

Who is responsible for the cover-up, Terry? Menendez? Rabner?

Do you have the nerve to speak to me of "ethics," Mr. Rabner? Do you presume to judge the morality of my conduct? Do New Jersey officials still speak to me of their superior "ethics" and "intellects"? Is it possible to describe such government officials as "ethical" persons? I doubt it.

Is it possible for a society to remain indifferent to the commission of such crimes and, nonetheless, to believe itself "law-abiding" or "ethical"? What do you think? How is such a discontinuity between a society's actions and its creed "unproblematic"? Why do we not see these contradictions that are in danger of destroying the coherence of America's Constitutional project?

Other people in the world see these contradictions and call us hypocrites and frauds.

Where is America's free press to cover these events? Can we remain torturers and murderers of Pakistani villagers, together with hundreds of thousands of others, and believe that we are faithful to our founding principles?

I can not believe that we abide by our Constitution any more. I wish that we would respect that document and adhere to it. Maybe some day we will return to the Bill of Rights. We must struggle for those Constitutional rights every day.

Terry was especially interested in books with my highlights and markings, the books I had clearly read and studied. All of these books were taken, some were photographed. I was deemed "interesting." Evidently, this meant that I would be tortured indefinitely. I was instructed to put on clothing. As I did so, I could see them taking the paintings from my walls. My collection of recordings were placed in a blue bag, which also had the word "evidence" on it.

Some of the men and women in black uniforms or dark clothing were laughing when they saw the pictures of my family members. The women volunteered to go through the things in my bedroom. I was asked whether I found any of the women searching through my things "exciting." My answers produced much laughter.

Is it all very amusing for you, Terry?

"You must come with us," said Dr. Terry. "We will be helping you with your social-adjustment issues."

After dressing, I was escorted downstairs and into a dark-colored, late-model vehicle. Was it a van? No arrest took place. Hence, legally, the only valid description for this experience is "kidnapping." False imprisonment. Assault. Theft. Rapes. What the hell. No big deal. This was only one of many such experiences for me.

"Where are we going?" I asked this more than once. My question was ignored. Moments later, I blacked out. I cannot say how long a period of time elapsed until I awoke. When I did, I was in some kind of conference chamber or dining room. My head hurt. There was pain in my arm and chest. I felt woozy, not fully myself, dizzy, almost in a trance-like state.

Later I learned that this was hypnosis, possibly combined with mild drugging to relax the victim. I am not certain what drugs I was given. No explanations have been provided. I believe nothing they tell me at this point. They are bound to continue lying in order to cover-up their crimes. "No comment" will be the standard response. For this purpose of lying and covering-up, as a favor to the "committee," a member of my own ethnic group (preferably, a judge) will be found to serve as a front-person. Mr. George Caceres? Ms. Zulima Farber?

There were several persons in the dark room. I could only see, vaguely, directly ahead of me, "Dr." Terry was smiling contentedly. He had a legal pad and was taking notes. My glasses were not returned to me. I could not identify most of the others in the room. They were beyond my field of vision, deliberately hiding from view. Several chose to sit behind me, preferring the angle from behind my back. They still do. I surmise that these people are self-described "ethics experts" and "judges" in New Jersey who do not believe in privacy rights or human dignity. John McGill, Esq.? Dr. Terry was my principal interrogator and torturer since (November?) 1988:

"What are you worried about?"

"I don't know why I am being subjected to this..."

"This is for your own good."

"Why?"

"We will ask the questions," said Dr. Terry. "You must trust us. I am your therapist, after all, and we have reason to believe that you need 'this.' In order for me to help you, you must help me. Tell me something that you feel guilty about, something for which you might be prosecuted."

Terry asked this very gently, quietly, soothingly. Terry asked about the actions of others, fishing for information that might be used against others and myself by N.J.'s government. The relaxed state and the high degree of suggestibility makes it easier to extract information of an embarrassing or damaging sort from victims forced into such circumstances, information about themselves or others. I am sure that I was questioned about many "others," probably including former clients. How many other defense lawyers are subjected to such tortures and interrogations? How many inmates have been subjected to such interrogations by Terry Tuchin who will never know that their rights have been violated? Is Mumia Abu-Jamal one of Terry's subjects? Assata Shakur, was probably questioned by Terry in the presence of N.J.'s state police in violation of her Constitutional rights.

The information is then turned over to the authorities, who are usually present during questioning. Right, John? Everyone will lie, denying his or her presence, should these crimes be revealed. They were disappointed that I had committed no crimes, so they tried to get me to commit a few "infractions." Right, Terry? Diana? Infractions provide "ass-cover" for these monsters. How many others have been victmized in these ways? How many lives have been destroyed by Terry Tuchin? Diana Lisa Riccioli?

It is useful for torturers to frame a person by suggesting under hypnosis behavior to a victim for which he or she may be blamed, in order to induce guilt, while covering-up responsibility for illegal experimentation with these torture techniques. I suspect that something like this is what they did to Marilyn Straus. Victims can be instructed to forget questioning under hypnosis.

"But I haven't done anything." I said.

"We have reason to believe that's not true."

"What reason."

"I cannot tell you that since it would compromise security."

"Have I been drugged?" I asked.

"We cannot tell you that."

"But what have I done?" I asked. "How can I respond to accusations if you won't tell me what they are or who is making them?"

"You are not cooperating with the questioning by telling us something that you are guilty of. ... It does not have to be important."

"I don't know what you're talking about." I was frustrated and angry.

"We believe that you do." Another voice said. "Everyone (except for us) is guilty of something."

"We are going to indict you for breathing." Is that right, Alex Booth? What did you wonderful people do to Manny Diaz?

"But why?" I answered.

"We cannot tell you that." The voice said. "We will not tell you what we have said to others about you, including our statements to your friends and family members (who have been sworn to secrecy), or what our sources have told us concerning your character. We have discussed your sexual fantasies with your friends, of course, and shown them photos of your penis taken while you were unconscious to see whether there were abnormalities. Your wife claims that there are none. We asked whether you were sufficiently normal or 'overly interested' in sex. We asked about your politics and religious views. This is for your protection. Whatever we do is for your own good, even if it destroys your life. It is sometimes necessary to destroy a man in order to save him."

Dr. Terry spoke about all of this, happily, then turned to his left and asked: "Right, Diana?"

"We want to know how you refer to women." The person who spoke these words had the coldest, most inhuman voice that I have ever heard. Every sentence communicated a sense of undiluted hatred -- hatred generalized to apply to all men, or to everyone, regardless of gender. The others called her, "Diana." She also had a legal pad and took notes. When hatred becomes a person's manner of experiencing reality any understanding of others becomes impossible.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you find women, other than your wife, desirable?" asked Diana. "Yes?"

"This means that you are sexist and regressive." Another voice said. "This is a start ..."

"You must be punished for this view of women, and because you are still not cooperating."

A third voice, a man's voice this time, said: "We want to know anything terrible that you can say about yourself, for which you might be held legally responsible. We need to get a conviction against you for something, anything. We want you to describe the most embarrassing or humiliating moments in your life, your worst experiences and recollections, so that we may use them against you."

Everyone took notes at that point. Information about family members and friends was also welcome. I could hear a clicking, as of a recording device. Occasionally, I would catch a glimpse of what appeared to be a tri-pod bearing a camera. I felt as though I were trapped in a nightmarish version of a Stalinist purge "trial" or a fifties-type Communist witch hunt in America. I expected them to accuse me of setting the Reichstag fire or of assassinating President Lincoln. Any minute now, I would hear the theme music from "The Twilight Zone" television show. Rod Serling would step out of the woodwork, chuckling and rubbing his hands. Maybe Mulder and Scully would come to the rescue.

The drugging and hypnosis were meant to "relax" me. This way I'd set aside my normal defenses and inhibitions. The goal is to get victims to speak of painful episodes in their lives which would be used as sources of ridicule and humiliation, or to establish liability of some kind. I had to fight against this. Trying to focus attention in this condition is like trying to see clearly under water. Hypnosis makes it impossible to move and concentration is difficult. Information extracted in this manner -- embelished, freely, by torturers -- is then used to slander the victim (secretly) to friends and family members.

The aim of the "process" is to destroy the victim's life and reputation, preventing the victim from receiving any credibility when relating his or her experiences. Ideally, a victim can be brought to commit a crime for which he or she may be sent to prison, disposed of very neatly, usually after being robbed. ("Tortured American on Video by Taliban" and "Behaviorism is Evil.")

Frustration is also useful for torturers, like obstructing or destroying any communication efforts on the part of victims. Interference with my t.v. signal? Censorship and suppressions of speech in any form are useful. Financial pressures help to finish the job. I believe that it is for this reason that letters will be removed from my words and other "errors" will be inserted in my writings, on a daily basis, to enhance the effects of frustration and maximize the deleterious effects on nerves. Heightened stress is like combat fatigue. Stress alone can bring about the collapse of a victim. I wonder why I am experiencing so many computer attacks?

Creating professional or business pressures for persons secretly targeted for destruction by powerful American politicians through corrupt government agencies -- as Nixon admitted using the IRS as a weapon -- may generate sufficient stress to produce psychosis or suicide. American psychologists have developed formidable expertise in these psychological torture "skills." Persons with medical training specialize in inducing psychosis or "suicidal ideation" in order to destroy persons, secretly targeted by "officials." All of this takes place outside the boundaries of law. "It appeared that the sleep deprivation, humiliation and application of techniques had been calculated to profoundly disrupt [the victim's] senses and personality." (Sands, p. 172.)

All attempts to communicate my experiences and pain will be blocked by guilty officials together with their cohorts in New Jersey. Distractions will be arranged to coincide with writing efforts and cyberwarfare. I run two complete scans of my computer every day. Discovery of illlicit spyware, intrusions, and other obstacles is a routine aspect of my struggle to write. Several computers used by me have been destroyed. I can never be sure from one day to the next of whether I will be able to write on-line or at my computer. All e-mails are subject to government monitoring. Everything I write, apparently, is subject to being secretly inspected. This "monitoring" is unconstitutional and criminal. My requests for information from Trenton are ignored. The U.S. Attorney's Office and FBI take no action in response to this display of public criminality, unless public attention forces these agencies to apply the laws that forbid such crimes. I have no email account. I cannot post images at these blogs.

Terry said: "You've got me on your side!"

Is that right, "Doc."?"

"Who is accusing me." I asked.

"We cannot tell you that." Dr. Terry said.

"You must accuse yourself." One of the female voices said. "But we need dates and times. Have you ever spoken against abortion? Or commented on a part of a woman's body? We have reason to believe that, in high school, you behaved with insensitivity towards women. We know that you are a terrible person, that much is taken for granted, whereas all of us are good. We need you to help us prove this as part of your 'therapy.' We believe that you are not 'politically correct.' You have been accused of using the word 'chic' at least once in the course of telling a joke. You may have used even worse words in your life."

If I objected to this treatment or was offended by it, this was definite proof of my "maladjustive" behavior. If I failed to object, then I was not assertive enough. One goal of torturers is for the victim to find him- or herself with impossible, double-bind situations at all times and constant anxiety about ludicrous "accusations." Whatever one does or says, vicious criticisms and insults will follow.

The impaired person should be overwhelmed or bewildered, being unable to respond to questions or defend his or her views in a rational manner. Theft and other financial pressures on victims are considered highly useful by torturers because they increase stress on victims. I am confident that American torture victims from other parts of the world will confirm many of these observations. This probably explains all of the thefts from my office and home. ("U.S. Courts Must Not Condone Torture.")

When conducted over a period of years, at unpredictable intervals, this assault on the psyche -- combined with undermining self-esteem and identity through destruction of relationships as well as financial or multiple professional harms -- should produce paralysis or collapse, sometimes both. I am sure that such methods will work best against women suffering from fragile self-esteem and the after-effects of trauma. I wonder whether Marilyn Straus was affected by such tortures? I will find out. ("Marilyn Straus Was Right!" and "Diana's Friend Goes to Prison.")

Permament emotional harm is an EXPECTED result of this form psychological torture and interrogation, which can be used as a "weapon."

Psychoanalysis and psychology are seen as "weapons" to "assassinate persons" by the Tuchins of this world. Perhaps Terry mistakenly believed that I am a terrorist. Victims are described as "objects of torture." A report on illegal immigration from Mexico indicates that U.S. border guards refer to persons entering the country who are undocumented workers only as "bodies." ("An Open Letter to My Torturers in New Jersey, Terry Tuchin and Diana Lisa Riccioli.")

Torturers must do the same "distancing" from the moral reality of another person who is being tormented -- whose life is to be dismantled -- so they can "learn" from him. ("Not One More Victim!")

"You are still not cooperating." Another of the voices said this. "You must help us to help you."

In Orwell's 1984, the agency of torture is called: "The Ministry of Love." In New Jersey, a governmental entity performing similar crimes is called: "The Office of Attorney Ethics."

"Look, we can always have you framed for something, if necessary, and our friends in the media are busy already describing you as a terrible person -- anonymously, of course. We have asked your family members and friends for months to observe your behavior and report on your answers to very specific questions that they were to ask, secretly. (Your child was very helpful, by the way, even if she does not know it.) Of course, they were instructed not to reveal any of this to you. This is for your own good."

Furthermore,

"The OAE will post something on the Internet, eventually, about what a terrible person you are, also anonymously. We will solicit grievances and complaints against you even if it is unethical to solicit grievances. If necessary, we will find someone in your high school class (or elsewhere) who hates you and will say how awful you are, with a promise of confidentiality naturally. We always protect our 'anonymous' informers. Obtaining slanders is never difficult. Your actual faults are not really important. They are irrelevant."

If necessary, "we" (OAE) will "enhance" the slanders by altering the texts that we receive (that you won't see anyway) to make them much worse than they otherwise would be. This is called "New Jersey's Legal Ethics." Elsewhere, it is called "obstruction of justice" and "tampering with witnesses" which are crimes. ("New Jersey's 'Ethical' Legal System" and "New Jersey's Office of Attorney Ethics.")

The voice of a man with a European accent said much of this nonsense about "therapy." I could not place the source of the accent. A man with a similar German accent "served" on the so-called "Ethics Committee" when I was brought before that committee, long after the tortures produced their intended effects, but well before the total devastation that was planned for me came to fruition.

I am told that enough cash in envelopes would have solved all problems in New Jersey. In light of subsequent events it is difficult not to believe this claim. Are there many public officials in New Jersey who are not corrupt? I doubt it. ("Law and Ethics in the Soprano State.")

"It is important that you accept all guilt for these events, whatever they may be, and torment yourself for them. This is what we regard as 'healthy adjustment' to our society. You must understand the legitimacy of this process. It is our goal to have you absorb as much guilt as possible at each of these sessions. This will make you a happier human being who is obedient at all times."

Obedience of victims is very important to these monsters who require legitimation. Dr. Terry said everything in a dulcet monotone, as though he were explaining something to a child:

"The guilt need not be true or deserved, but you must suffer from it while absolving us of any responsiblity in your own mind. You must believe that it is true. You must accept that you are a loathsome person. You must understand that those who are placed above you in society have superior wisdom and are acting for your own good. Never question that authority or bring into disrepute the glorious system of laws under which you are governed, laws which must be hidden from you. It is best if you express gratitude, eventually, for this attitude adjustment. After all, we only have your welfare at heart."

A stenographer, in a nasal voice, interrupted: "We only want to help. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. It's no big deal. Make things easy for yourself. Just tell them what they need to know."

Then she went on typing. Where are the transcripts and tapes of these sessions?

"But I don't understand any of this. It makes no sense to me. I can't legitimate this for you because I have committed no crime. This is torture. It is evil. Nothing that I have done -- not my worst faults -- justifies this ... dehumanization." I almost shouted this. "What about my rights? I want a lawyer."

I thought that I was at a kind of "deposition." Remember, Alex? You said: "I'll watch your back. Don't worry." Did you watch my back, Alex? "Put away the lawyer, Juan." What a pal, Alex. Great watch. Patek Philippe? There must have been a great deal of stealing from me going on behind my back. Hypnosis must make thefts easier.

Calmly, Dr. Terry explained: "Fine. We will be here for as long as it takes. The process of healing cannot really begin until you come to terms with your monstrous fault, your guilt, your vile and detestable nature, your loathsomeness. You must seek to make the necessary readjustment to society. Only then will you be allowed to live your life as a member of the community, doing what others do, exactly as they do it. We will define this process for you as an 'act of loving therapy.' Think of how happy you will be. We will make you good."

I was to prepare myself for anxiety and frustrations, then I would be more amenable to a course of treatment based on rewards and punishments. As I say, any financial pressures that may be imposed for life will be helpful to torturers. Hence, a victim's professional destruction is foreseeable and highly desirable. In the end, I would benefit greatly; unless I did not. For some reason, there were many people who were not responsive to the "treatment." In any event, they would "learn from me" for sure. "We can learn from you!" Terry said. My welfare was (and is) irrelevant to this process. Incidentally, crimes committed by any of you in furtherance of this conspiracy are attributable to all. Right, Howie? "Howard Masia?" Accessory and conspiracy liability, right boys and girls? Maria, this means you. ("Jennifer Velez is a Dyke Magnet.")

I was shocked to discover that many of the things said to me were almost identical to what victims of Nazi experimentation and comparable evils were told by the monsters who tormented them, sometimes to death. I am sure that Terry Tuchin is unaware of this fact. Terry's powers of rationalization are such that he will find a way to accomodate this inconvenient fact to his ideology: "A physician shall respect a competent [person's] right to accept or refuse treatment." (Sands, p. 169.)

No physician may participate in torture. There is no "therapy by adhesion." There is no "therapeutic rape." There is no "therapeutic theft." 1988-2010 and beyond. Competence is subject to valid challenge only in a legal proceeding at which the subject may present contrary evidence and experts. There has never been a determination of "incompetence," as regards myself, nor is it alleged that I am incompetent or that I have ever been incompetent. Secrecy is incompatible with determinations of "competence." I have never received, accepted, or submitted to a diagnosis of any kind from any so-called "expert" or "therapist."

"Look, I have nothing against you." This was said by another of the participants. "Your name was on a file that came accross my desk one day. It's just my job." This was a man's voice from the other side of the room.

"You should have some consideration for us. We work very hard, you know. We want to go home and have dinner with our families. It is you who are delaying matters, for no reason at all. This is not personal and you must not take it personally. Try to be considerate of the rights of others for once. Have some sense of ethical responsibility."

"How can I confess to an unspecified offense?"

"Specificity is immaterial," said Dr. Terry. "What you have done is unimportant. Eventually, you will do something that we can hold you accountable for, if you have not already. We may have to 'program' you to violate a rule. Most people want to be told what to believe. We will convice you that this never happened when we are finished with you. Besides, the effects of all this trauma that we are inflicting on you will probably produce pathological behavior, eventually, for which we can blame you."

The smug, satisfied air of this man is beyond my powers of description. Think of the most insensitive jerk that you have ever known and the most self-admiring asshole in one person. That's Terry Tuchin. Every time I consider that this man called himself a "Jew," I am driven to despair at the impossibility of moral improvement in humanity.

How is it possible for any Jew to become Mengele, while remaining blissfully unaware of what he has become, or what he is still doing to others? These events took place less than a century after the Holocaust. They take place, every day, in the lives of many persons in the world. Many of the world's greatest experts in techniques of "mind destruction" are Americans, only a few (I hope) are Jews. ("Psychological Torture in the American Legal System.")

" ... one day I read, I can't remember where, an account of a little exchange between Josef Mengele and a Jewish doctor who he had salvaged from the execution line to assist him in his experiments at Auschwitz. They were in the operating theatre. Mengele was working on a pregnant woman, whose legs he had bound together at the knees prior to inducing the onset of the birth of her child, without the benefit of anaesthetics, of course, which were much too valuable to waste on Jews. In the lulls between the mother's shrieks, Mengele discoursed on the vast project of the Final Solution: the numbers involved, the technology, the logistical problems, and so on. How long, the Jewish doctor ventured to ask -- he must have been a courageous man -- how long would the exterminations go on? Mengele, apparently not at all surprised and without looking up from his work said, Oh, they will go on and on, and on ... And it struck me that Dr. Mengele was also a Stoic [Adjust!] just like me. ..." The Untouchable, at p. 25.

The incident described by Banville is historical. Compare Gina Kolata, "What to Tell the Patients After a Trial Goes Awry," in The New York Times, August 24, 2010, at p. D1 with Randi Hutter Epstein, M.D., "Dr. Cushing's Brains," in The New York Times, August 24, 2010, at p. D1. (Why tell them anything? Why not simply "collect" their brains so you can learn from them?)

Not long after my experiences -- and the first draft of this account -- the Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo tortures came to light with (for me) a terrible feeling of recognition. There must be others who have suffered, as I have suffered, from the reinvention of torture in the American legal system as a kind of "therapy."

Terry and Diana must have other victims in New Jersey and beyond. "Touchless Torture Techniques" are your specialty, right Terry Tuchin? Again: did you, Terry Tuchin, participate in the interrogation of Mumia Abu-Jamal, Assata Shakur, or other African-American revolutionaries? I suspect that you did. Furthermore, I am certain that you enjoy psychological torture, probably in a sexual sense. Diana sure likes to torment her lady "friends." How many persons have been raped by Diana Lisa Riccioli?

There is a powerful analogy in my experience for how America was perceived by the world during the Bush/Cheney era and will be perceived until these problems are resolved: Professing itself the wise counselor of humanity even as concentration camps were created, countries were invaded, human rights violated as part of a "War on Terror." Drones are the latest violation of international law.

America is perceived as a lie by the world community. I continue to hope that this is inaccurate. It is difficult to be optimistic about the survival of Constitutional government in America after the Bush/Cheney era. Mr. Holder, are you aware of these crimes? Mr. Rabner, each day is a further torment and aggravation of injuries inflicted on many persons innocent of any crime or fault. Mr. Christie? Ms. Dow? What do you need to do what must be done in this matter? Cash?

Were Abu Ghraib methods of torture developed through secret experimentation on unwilling and unsuspecting citizens in this country? Were such experiments then covered-up with token accusations against victims, whose "impermissible" actions were produced (or induced) by these same monsters to forestall accusations of torture against themselves? How many other lives have been totally obliterated by "therapists" -- like Tuchin and Riccioli -- designing torture techniques for governments in exchange for a small fee? How many persons have been imprisoned falsely? Ruined? Alienated from family and friends? How many have been brought to the edge of suicide to provide cover for these state torturers, rapists, thieves? Do you judge my ethics, Mr. Rabner? Ms. Milgram? OAE? ("Have you no shame, Mr. Rabner?")

Merely thinking "incorrectly" is enough to warrant torture for these persons. "It may take years to bring victims to a state of despair. Sometimes it does. Besides, we will pretend that none of this ever happened. No one will believe you if you claim that it did happen. The readjustment is always totally successful in the end." Terry seemed very proud and pleased when he said this:

"After all, we are scientists." These were the words of Dr. Josef Mengele.

"You need time to reflect." Another of the voices said this from behind me.

I lost consciousness again. Hitting a victim -- literal and non-literal violence -- is called an "aid to meditation." Choking people is also deemed highly therapeutic by Terry and Diana, as well as their "anonymous" helpers. Gil? Ideally, this chocking or other assaults can take place in a person's home, denying the victim any sense of safety and peace in an environment free of invasion. Silencing of victims -- through threats or supressions and censorship of speech -- is crucial. This may a good time to insert more "errors" in this text. Any pain caused to a child is also welcome by torturers because it helps to control her parents, right Diana?

Second Day.

"The longer one listened to him [Eichman,] the more obvious it became that his inability to speak was closely connected with an inability to think, namely to think from the standpoint of someone else. No communication was possible with him, not because he lied but [much worse] because he was surrounded by the most reliable of all safeguards against the words and the presence of others, [banalities,] and hence against reality as such."

Hannah Arendt, Eichmann in Jerusalem (New York: Viking press, 1965), p. 287 and Richard J. Bernstein, Radical Evil: A Philosophical Interrogation (Cambridge: Polity Press, 2002), p. 221.

The first thing I remember on awakening is that voice that was so loaded with menace, Diana's voice, and she was speaking of my wife: "She's a filthy whore and you disgust her." Then someone threw the equivalent of a bucket of cold water on me. "And she's a fat pig. Besides, she is not in love with you. She's in love with your [penis]."

Diana did not use the word "penis." Diana liked to sit with her arms folded across her chest, legs crossed, relishing the power that she wields over someone -- someone rendered helpless either by chemicals pumped into his or her system or through hypnosis techniques. I seem to remember the charm bracelet that she wore. Clearly, she was an old hand at this terrible form of torture. There were security people available, in any case, for some of her sicker experiments. ("Trenton's Nasty Lesbian Love-Fest!")

Diana enjoys raping people in horrible ways, probably including the inmates Diana still interviews in institutions, allegedly. Where and how did you meet Marilyn Straus, Diana? Did you falsify credentials, Diana? What else did you falsify, Diana? Were you ever a licensed therapist, Diana? Did Debbie Poritz "take care of things" for you, Diana? What kind of relationship existed (or exists) between Diana and Debbie Poritz? Anne Milgram? Jennifer Velez? Estela De La Cruz? Mary Anne Kriko? ("New Jersey's Politically Connected lawyers on the Tit" and "New Jersey is the Home of the Living Dead.")

Diana liked to comment on the fact that a woman I love "farts and burps." This statement is meant to deny that love is real, I guess, or that feelings of concern for another person can be genuine. Diana reduces persons to "farting and shitting animals who smell bad and die." This seems (to Diana) to be a fair summary of the human condition. Diana calls herself a "therapist." ("Is Humanism Still Possible?" and "William Shakespeare's Black Prince" then "Drawing Room Comedy: A Philosophical Essay in the Form of a Film Script.")

"She is also horny, your wife," Diana said. "No wonder she married you. You're the only man who would touch her." Diana liked to say: "Everybody hates you. You disgust people. You are hideous."

I am sure that such insults are more effective against her female victims. Diana calls herself a "feminist."

Diana's filthiest and nastiest comments about my family members -- including children -- are impossible to reproduce in print. And I am not squeamish about language.

Diana was described (I often heard things when they thought I was sleeping) as a "forensic psychiatrist specializing in juvenile offenders." I can only imagine what Diana does to them. Were any of Diana's credentials genuine? Was (or is) Diana today still "close" to Debbie Poritz, Esq.? Anne Milgram, Esq.? Nydia Hernandez, Esq.? Jennifer Velez? Mary Anne Kriko, Esq.? Lilian Munoz, Esq.? "Lesbian Love-fest," ladies?

Diana had a pen in her hand and a legal pad. I find it impossible to believe that a person as inarticulate and ignorant as Diana was (probably, still is) could be a legitimate member of any learned profession. Much the same is true for Terry Tuchin. The shocking level of cultural ignorance displayed, unselfconsciously, by this Jewish torturer suggests that Tuchin is an uneducated man. Were these persons participants in the Philosophy Cafe?

"We are going to turn that little girl of yours into a whore. We'll make her a lesbian. We will put a stop to your insensitivity to the feelings of others." (These words were first posted in 2005.)

Save the threats for me and stay away from my family, Diana. There was a constant tone of outrage, threats and insults in Diana's voice. The experience of having someone pass a moral judgment on my life, as she was in the midst of committing heinous crimes against me and others, was a new one for me.

If anything defies rational understanding, then this must be it. I had stepped through a dark looking glass and entered a nightmare world. Each day that my written words are altered, or that my writing is destroyed, is a renewal of the torture. I wonder how many "hits" my blog received today or in total? 50,000 or more?

I do not care about the sexual-orientation of any person I call a friend or loved-one, provided that it is that person's freely chosen sexual-orientation. I believe in the autonomy and privacy rights of persons, including women, which is why I am pro-choice. ("Is there a gay marriage right?")

I do not believe in rape or "conditioning" a sexual response in children or women and men.

Stuart Rabner, you bear responsibility for these actions. Anne Milgram, too busy to look into this situation? Mr. Christie? The whole world is watching.

How does it feel to witness or be a part of the torture of a human being, on a daily basis? Is it amusing for you? Do you like it? Does it make you feel important to hurt others, Diana? How can anyone, like Diana -- so poisoned by hatred -- be any kind of "therapist"? What Diana is and does has nothing to do with therapy. How many people are aware of her activities in New Jersey? For how long have you been aware of Diana's activities? Is it possible that she is still free to torture others? How can Diana receive the "apparent authority" of any state to commit her crimes? Why is she still free when African-American children in the urban neighborhoods of New Jersey, often committing minor offenses, are incarcerated? Does Diana provide sexual victims for judges and politicians? Or is it simply a matter of cash payoffs? "Family-like organization"? Mob protection? Ethics? How close are Debbie and Diana? Jaynee? Do you, Diana, "get" young women or men for those judges who do not want people to know of their "proclivities"? Do you make children available for sexual exploitation, Diana? Or is that "allegation" only a rumor? Do you, Diana, know Neil M. Cohen, Esq.? Bob Menendez? ("Neil M. Cohen, Esq. and Conduct Unbecoming to the Legislature in New Jersey.")

I sensed the pleasure and self-importance in Diana's tone. Both seemed to increase the more she "interrogated" me. Diana's method consists mostly of insults and threats. I was in a cold room, sitting on a hard chair at a polished table. I was naked, morally naked. I remember the circular window in this conference room. There must have been several sessions of interrogations. The conference room was the earliest. My fault was said to be political insensitivity. I had told lies. I urinated in public once after a party. It was ridiculous but it was real, like some awful nightmare that becomes reality.

Where are those reports that were filed, secretly, by Terry Tuchin? Please return twenty-seven years of my life to me. Who do "we gotta take care of"? Boss Bob? Norcross? Stuart Rabner? Mr. Christie, dealing with this situation may get you elected to the presidency. Steven Sweeney?

Part of me wanted to laugh at the stupidity of these people. Until I realized the monstrosity of their actions, and their ignorance or continuing unawareness of the ethical significance of their actions, even as they criticized mine. My law school experiences did not include discussions of such proceedings which were said to be impossible under America's legal system. Imagine that you find someone in your apartment stealing your t.v. set and the person then expresses outrage at the dust on your bookshelves. What do you say next? You say that I am "unethical," Mr. Rabner? ("What did you know, Mr. Rabner, and when did you know it?")

I will say this again: Each day that the cover-up continues is a renewal of the tortures and deepens the complicity of your tribunal and institutions (as well as yourself) in hideous criminality, Mr. Rabner. No cover-up will solve your problems now. What have you done today to end this nightmare for your state and yourself, Mr. Rabner? Mr. Christie? Is there no longer and ethical and legal duty for judges and attorneys to prevent harm to innocent persons?

"I don't really care what you do. I care that you grovel before me. I want you to confess to being the worm that you are. You're an ugly little toad. Your writing is worthless. Your book is shit. You are shit. Why don't you just kill yourself?"

There was a hint of laughter after Diana said this. She was having the time of her life. And I was in for a long session of what they call "sensitivity training" and "attitude adjustment." Hours of wounding insults and attacks. I cannot wait to be face-to-face with Diana again. I have so much to say to my torturers. Hypnosis enhances the effects of insults and threats -- like the threat of being killed, which I have experienced.

It was explained to me that the goal of the "treatment" was to develop social skills in the subject, together with orthodox thinking in a sanitized language that is "politically correct." They were showing me how to be "ethical," like them. The introduction of such poisonous hatred into one's psyche and life destroys one's ability to relate to or trust others, emotionally and intellectually. It is a matter of placing a human fish in fetid waters. Diana is the fetid water. What remains in a pool of water after dozens of victims have relieved themselves is Diana's persona.

"Friends" and strangers will be invited to report, secretly, on their conversations with victims. All information that is thus obtained will be used against victims. Lawyers will be present to take notes in order to use information derived in this fashion so as to hurt a victim in subsequent legal proceedings, whether civil or criminal. The goal is for such proceedings to provide "ass cover" for the torturers and their enablers. (Again: "New Jersey's 'Ethical' Legal System" and "The Office of Attorney Ethics in New Jersey.")

Torture sessions take place under the auspices of the state Supreme Court, Prosecutors' Offices, government agencies -- all of these entities will lie and claim no knowledge or "stonewall" concerning such events. Sometimes, an effort will be made to increase psychological attacks on the victim in order to destroy a person (or his credibility) in future legal proceedings. For this purpose, lies will be disseminated and wild accusations will be fabricated to enlist the cooperation of ideologically motivated "useful fools." Conveniently, such plentiful idiots can be abandoned to "take the hit" if torturers are caught by law enforcement agencies that cannot be bribed, meaning agencies from outside of New Jersey. ("New Jersey's Feces-Covered Supreme Court.")

Hours passed and I was not taken to the bathroom. Food was brought in once. I was so hungry that I had to try to eat without the use of my hands -- hypnosis makes everything blurry -- so I spilled food on myself. My glasses were not returned to me during sessions. This was a source of more laughter. The laughter and humiliation were intended to break me down, to bring about a collapse of my identity with the destruction of my self-esteem. The insults never stopped. Frustrations were continuous. I endured everything from soiled sanitary napkins taped to my torso to being observed as I urinated and defecated. Rape is not uncommon. I am not alone in these experiences. Photographs were taken at that point. They were not shown to me. I do not know where they are now. No wonder the daily destruction of my writings goes unpunished. It is all part of the fun. As I write these words, I am blocking:

http://ad.doubleclick.net/adj/N4174.centro/B2306167.56;sz=728x90;ord=248470536? (NJ, Univision? Was Marilyn Straus an "Executive Producer" at Univision as Onaida Duran said?)

No matter what happened, the questioning continued for hours. I was discussed by people in the room who seemed to pretend that I was not there, as though I were a laboratory animal. They laughed and continued to question me, then they would stop (for no reason). I can't say for how long. The smell seemed to stay with me. I could smell it for years afterwards. The smell of shit on me. Yes, I know what the jokes will be. It is important to say this anyway. ("American Hypocrisy and Luis Posada Carriles.")

Sometimes, I still experience that smell combined with fatigue. Consciousness was interrupted, fitful sleep, attempts at dislocation of a victim's sense of place. The nightmare continued as a kind of routine for them. They were alternately amused; then bored. Once again, I am blocking:

http://view.atdmt.com/iview/msnnkhac001728x90xWBCBRB00110msn/direct;wi.728;hi.90/01 (NJ's Cuban American National Foundation?)

I would go into and out of consciousness during sessions. Maybe the food had been drugged, or the hypnosis left me with subconscious suggestions to sleep at regular intervals. The worst parts of the questioning might have been kept out of my conscious memory. I did not seem to provide what they wanted. They wanted an acknowledgment of guilt, all-pervasive and total guilt. Guilt is legitimation for torturers. They must manufacture guilt when they cannot find it. ("Cubanoids in Miami Protest Against Peace!")

Torture visits to my office were probably not unusual, along with regular illegal searches and thefts of money, or worse. They wanted me to assume some fault or stain, probably their own. I knew that, with all my faults, the greater guilt had to be theirs. They wanted my "gratitude" for this "therapy." I knew that I was being tortured. They wanted my "guilt" for my sins and faults, and they got that. Yet I never doubted that their sins and faults must be far greater than mine. I never failed to tell them so. ("Psychological Torture in the American Legal System.")

What I figured out about all of these people, some more than others, is that they derive pleasure from wielding power over another person. They were hooked on it. Maybe this allowed them to feel better about themselves. I am sure that they will find a way to rationalize what they do, because they need to continue doing it, the way an addict needs drugs. The torture is the drug. George Orwell said: "The purpose of torture is torture." ("What is it like to be tortured?")

They were not necessarily hostile to me, nor were they really interested in anything that I might say. For them, it was about a jolt of power over another human being. They hurt people because they like it. Right, Terry? Sadism is a little man's disease.

Part of the pain and bewilderment associated with this inescapable and repetitive torment is the enigma of evil. Something in the mind recoils from what defies understanding. This is a good time to insert more "errors."

One is disgusted and appalled by the total death of human feeling or empathy in torturers. Meeting torturers is comparable to encountering a group of human beings who crawl along the floor rather than walking, as persons do. It is the horror of witnessing a self-chosen moral hideousness in persons -- persons who have decided to become something less than human. Persons who have chosen not to feel. Persons indulging in a kind of moral blindness during these torture sessions, not allowing themselves to see their victims' sufferings. In fact, after a while, they cannot see their victims at all, only their own ideological constructions are being tortured, not flesh and blood human beings. Victims are "terrorists," "Jews," "Americans," "blacks," "bodies," "Israelis," or "Palestinians" -- torturers never see victims as persons. Victims are "collateral damage." ("Abuse and Exploitation of Women in New Jersey.")

I believe that the embargo against Cuba should end. I welcome disagreement on this issue or any other that I have written about in these blogs. I will not censor or cooperate in suppressing anyone's writings. I will not modify or alter my opinions based on threats or violence. ("Fidel Castro's 'History Will Absolve Me.'")

Torturers did not see me or listen to what I said. They could not see me or comprehend my words. I wanted to shout to them: "SEE my humanity!" I wanted them to recognize the idiocy and monstrosity in what they were doing, so they would stop calling it "therapy." But they only spoke among themselves. I was spoken "at" and not "to" -- they would decide what was best. I was just there, like a garbage bag. I was something to "process" and dispose of in the night.

They found things to criticize me for, easily enough, faults in my life, sources of pain and embarassment, even guilt that must be readily available in every human life. By tormenting me with this guilt or pain they might have discharged some of their own guilt, I think, making the more monstrous evil of the interrogation itself somehow "legitimate" in their own minds.

How would I function or lead a normal life after this? No one seemed to give this much thought. I will always be in that interrogation chamber. Some part of me will never leave that room without the truth. For the rest of my life I will demand an answer to my question: Why? Who authorized these crimes? Who covered-up this horror for so many years? Why do such terrible things? ("Havana Nights and C.I.A. Tapes" and "Manifesto for the Unfinished American Revolution.")

Do you wish to judge my "ethics," Mr. Rabner? I will always resist the torture as I relive it. If I do not, if I yield -- even for one moment -- then I will be lost. Yielding is giving up your autonomy, as a moral subject, allowing your will to be replaced by that of the torturer. This is something that I will not do, even if the cost of not doing so is death. I will correct the inserted "errors" on each occasion that they are discovered in this text. I invite the reader to share the experience of torture and censorship with me. Each time that you see me making a correction of an inserted "error" in this work another section of the U.S. Constitution is shredded. It is that same Constitution whose defense has taken the lives of countless Americans, which some of us will not abandon or fail to respect, even in the worst torture chambers.

You will not get me to abandon my belief in the U.S. Constitution. Why has the American legal system abandoned that document in practice, secretly, while professing adherence to its provisions, publicly? ("Chief Justice John Roberts and the Decline of the U.S. Supreme Court.")

Unwillingness to give up freedom is what I think is best about Americans. Concern for human dignity and equality is at the heart of the American Constitution. The "War Against Terror" is a war against the terrors that I have experienced and not an opportunity to indulge in terrorizing others. I will not accept the status of a slave. I refuse to become a laboratory animal. I thought that I lived in a society that abolished slavery. I was mistaken. I believe that there are recipients of these words and persons concerned about this protest. I will continue to write. ("Slavery Today.")

Even sadder than experiencing the hatred and violence of those poisoned by evil, is the feeling that my society is so paralyzed and divided, politically, that it may no longer be able to muster the will necessary to oppose this evil when it appears in human history. Rest assured, the struggle against evil -- there is no other word that will do -- will always be with us. My resistance against evil, and the evil itself, has nothing to do with party politics in America.

The more they torture others, I guess, the more they seem to puff themselves up, as though filled with air. Despite the absence of any real motives for their malice and the absence of thought about my humanity, they were visibly ordinary, dull, far from clever people, pleased with their own efficiency, unaware of the meaning of their actions. Often they had no idea of what I was saying when I spoke of any moderately complex ideas or theories. They had not read much, failing to recognize most of my literary references. Flaubert? "Kierkegaard? Who's that?"

Terry is a person filing "reports with the court" who purports to understand me? A person who has never heard of Kierkegaard? Where are those reports, Terry? This person is an expert on human beings in all of their complexity and mystery? Why did you do it, Diana? I am not only offended by their ignorance of most areas of human learning, I am also shocked by their ignorance of psychology.

Such persons, non-thinkers -- and this is sad -- will always understand very little about any human beings. An encounter under hypnosis with Tuchin and Riccioli is a forced conversation with imbeciles and sadists given secret power over others. Perhaps I only say this as a "pseudo-intellectual." That's what they called me, a "pseudo-intellectual." You decide whose work displays learning or scholarship and intelligence. ("Nihilists in Disneyworld.")

I sensed that they wanted me to tell them that they were "superior" somehow, that they knew best how I should behave or what I should believe. They needed to feel "smarter" or "better" than I am. At a discussion group at MSN one critic called himself my "superior." My greatest offense was my intelligence and reading. My love of music and books was "insulting" to some of them. It was unforgivable that I had read more books or knew more history or law than they did. Why? ("Ape and Essence.")

At the conclusion of the second day, I began to find effective ways of resisting the torture -- torture that would become more gruesome in the days ahead. I was told not to bother with books. I was told not to write. I have not followed this advice.

Third Day.

"Room 101," he said. ... "By itself," he said, "pain is not enough. There are occasions when a human being will stand out against pain, even to the point of death. But for everyone there is something unendurable -- something that cannot be contemplated. ..."

George Orwell, 1984 (New York: Harcourt Brace, 1949), pp. 233-234.

Much of the struggle against mental suffering resulting from torture is like the quest for justice in society, it is the insistence on memory, the unrelenting fight to remember and hold on to what is painful -- despite those who tell us to forget -- so they can escape liability. It is an insistence on justice, which is only possible with memory. ("What is memory?")

How many others are tortured this way? How many others are tortured and instructed, under hypnosis, to forget their torments? How many lives are destroyed by monsters like Terry and Diana, secretly, with the assistance of the authorities? Who is selected for such tortures and why? "Uppity" minority group members? Preferably in the presence of their coopted brothers and sisters, so that a lesson may be taught? Why is rape of a person under hypnosis "therapeutic," Diana? Is this how America tolerates "dissent" and "dissidents"?

Rape is something that never leaves a person. A residue of the experience clings to one's flesh forever. Each inserted "error" in my writings is a reminder of a continuing form of rape. Every observer who fails to take action to prevent the alteration of these copyright- and Constitutionally-protected texts is complicit in their disfigurement. Ethics, ladies and gentlemen of the New Jersey Bar Association? ("New Jersey Lawyers' Ethics Farce" and "New Jersey's Politically-Connected Lawyers On the Tit.")

There is a new conception of torture developed "by the ingenuity of modern techniques." Through "subtle methods developed in multidisciplinary laboratories which claim to be scientific," there are now "new forms of suffering that have little in common with the physical pain caused by conventional torture." In effect, "torture no longer presupposes [physical] violence." Frustration and insults, destruction of social bonds and economic pressures can devastate a person very nicely." Alfred W. McCoy, A Question of Torture, p. 58. (Unethical?)

Subtle and more horrifying forms of "touchless" torture, making use of behaviorist techniques, are lethal in their long-term emotional effects. Torture is the gift that keeps on giving. Psychological torture, literally, cripples human beings for life. I will never stop experiencing the conversations in that conference room, as I said, and in my home. There will never come a time when I will be without pain caused by torture and rape. By lying about these crimes and protecting the culprits, New Jersey makes this evil much worse.

Sometimes reliving the torment is literally paralyzing. I cannot move. I will never stop fighting this conspiracy until I come face-to-face with my torturers. I have things to say to them. I also have much to say to those who have made their crimes possible by continuing to cover them up, every day -- crimes that include the sexual violations of persons.

How does a Jew become Mengele, Ms. Poritz? How does a Jew become Eichman, Mr. Rabner? Is it true that Mr. Wolfowitz approved of the tortures at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo? Mr. Haynes? Mr. Cheney, any pangs of conscience about the interrogations approved by the Bush administration, gentlemen? Some of the persons "signing off" on torture are one generation removed from the death camps where their grandparents were tortured. These individuals seem to detect no contradiction in their lives and actions.

Remembering happens not simply in the mind, also in the body. I felt pain in different parts of my body. I felt pain in my rectum. It was not difficult to guess what had been done to me. Was I kicked? Beaten with a stick? My ribs hurt. My face, neck and -- my mouth especially -- hurt. My lips were swollen. I had moments of flickering recollections -- recollections of being naked and asked to move in one direction or another, being helpless, unable to resist, of things being said about my body, and laughter. There is always more laughter. I remember being choked in my own home. I remember being slapped and hit.

Is this standard OAE practice? ("John McGill, Esq., the OAE, and New Jersey Corruption.")

"Remembering" and the role of memory in narrating the self is a theme in the great works of Paul Ricoeur, Ian Hacking, Hans-Georg Gadamer and others in the phenomenological tradition. Professor Hacking may be surprised to find himself placed in this company, along with Adam Philips, Richard Wolheim and Tony Judt, the latter's interest in the tortures of the twentieth century focused on Stalin and the iron curtain nations.

These sentences have also been "scarred, slapped and hit," which is a way of renewing the torture and frustrations of my experiences in order to produce a total collapse. This is unlikely in my case. Perhaps others have been totally destroyed in this way. Marilyn? To be "nothing" is to lack even the right to think, speak, listen. To be nothing is for one's words and thoughts to be nothing. This "nothingness" is the status of slaves. Whores? Lepers? "The Other"? "Niggers?" Auschwitz was filled with people who were seen as "nothing" by their jailors. Hannah Arendt asked: "How could Jews participate in such horrors against their own or any people?" Terry Tuchin?

Was Marilyn Straus's life devastated by the use of these techniques? Do you think that you will silence me? Each day that the cover-up continues is a renewal of my tortures and pains? How does Stuart Rabner bear the sight of his own reflection in a mirror -- while wearing judicial robes -- pretending that he is unaware of these atrocities? Payoffs? Virginia? Any thoughts at the OAE? AG? Who do you think will be the next victims of such torture methods? Again: do you speak to me of "ethics"? ("More Torture of American Soldier by Taliban" and "Tortured American on Video by Taliban.")

Laughter is a big part of the experience. Laughter echoes in the mind. Laughter is always an important element in torture. The laughter stays with you, like the smell. It is associated with your self-worth, forever, with your attempts even to say what you feel and what has been done to you. You hear the laughter all the time. You cannot tell others about such experiences, of course, because they will not be believed. You also cannot keep it inside. You must find ways to say it, indirectly. Art can be very helpful. For this reason, also, efforts will be made to silence me (and people like me), to destroy what I write, to prevent me from painting, to interrupt my communication, to slander me, preferably anonymously. ("Morality Tale" and "How Censorship Works in America.")

I will continue to say what I must say, to write even with my own blood or shit on the walls of the room where I find myself. I will not be silenced. The experiences of people who have survived such horrors coincide on far too many details -- including the methods and effects of the torturers -- to believe in the possibility of any accident or "mistake." There are millions or (perhaps) BILLIONS of so-called "subhumans" in the world who may be starved, or killed as collateral damage to further our national goals, whose writings may be defaced, publicly, and whose bodies may be violated with impunity.

I am a "sub-human," according to New Jersey officials. I have a great deal of company among my fellow human beings at this moment in history. Many of my fellow sufferers are in Iraq, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Cuba, and elsewhere. These persons will not be registered when they visit my blogs. They do not exist. They do not matter. They do not spend summers on Long Island.

What can one say of a society that does such things "secretly," while proclaiming, publicly, a commitment to principles of due process, liberty, and human dignity? What is the response when this society is confronted with its practices set against its own professed ideals? Silence? Do you wish to remove a letter from one of my words, again? ("China Rebukes U.S. for Hypocrisy and Cyberhegemony.")

"We will pretend that nothing happened." I know that others are concerned to protect human rights, as I am. Eventually, the right thing will be done. If I did not believe this -- without holding on to my sense of morality -- I could not go on living.

This belief in moral reality requires me to acknowledge my own faults. It prevents me from accepting the fashionable claim that there is no such thing as moral fault, while also allowing me to insist that there is something much worse than fault called "evil."

"Are you ashamed?" People in the room ask you this and laugh, as you stand naked, smelling of shit that has been poured on you.

"Sing for us," they say. You hear them laughing when you sing. They may suggest to you under hypnosis that you are a famous tenor at a concert. You will sing for them. Everyone will laugh, then, because you are off-key. Hypnotists once amused audiences in nightclubs by doing much milder things to people for the entertainment of their friends and family members. It was soon recognized that such behavior was reprehensible. Only "therapists" in N.J. questioning victims are now allowed to get away with such things. They will pretend to be celebrities; under hypnosis, you will believe it. They love that most of all, seeing you trying to be polite under such circumstances. Perhaps another inserted "error" will produce the long-expected harmful effects of frustrations and anxiety? Try inserting another "error."

"Sing for us, dance for us, ..." Laughter. More laughter. "You're a woman, so we'll show you how to be a woman." Laughter. And they will put things on you, again, a brazierre or soiled sanitary napkins, and lead you around, maybe on a "leash ..." More laughter. "You're an idiot, a fool," they whisper in your ear. More laughter. They whisper: "Why don't you jump off the Empire State building?"

Being called a "woman" is deemed equal to being a "fool" or "idiot"? To be called a "woman" (by a woman?) is to be forced into a category of guilt. Every woman is "guilty" in their estimation. It is this experience that has allowed me to understand something of what the Holocaust must have been like. Torture has permitted me to see the effects of instilling self-hatred in people, whether through racism or sexism. Diana? I can easily imagine what such methods will do to a woman burdened with the effects of trauma. like Marilyn Straus? ("What a man's gotta do.")

I understand what it is to be a slave. I sense the experience of gay men and lesbian women encountering such stupidity. I know of power's need to force everyone into patterns of conformity to an absurd and unrealistic concept of so-called "normality." Someone asks, again: "Are you embarassed now? Ashamed?" ("'Revolutionary Road': A Movie Review.")

"The embarassment and shame belong to people who do this to others." Do you speak to me of ethics, Ms. Poritz? Am I unethical, Stuart? Is that what makes torture, O.K.? A hearing is to take place. I am taken to a large room, like an auditorium. A group of people sit at a large table. They whisper to each other. They chat among themselves. "Off the record," they call it. They drink coffee and are amused. I will never forget the smile on a woman's face at that hearing. It was all very amusing, "funny" to them. They were entertained. That smile is probably her response to the atrocities of history.

G.K. Chesterton said that the worst thing about lawyers and judges, court personnel and police, is that "they have gotten used to it," used to the human tragedies that become the fodder of their everyday lives. They are too bored for compassion or empathy, sometimes too stupid to appreciate the reality before their eyes. The shocking and unforgivable ignorance as well as lack of intelligence among members of the New Jersey judiciary is something that defies description.

The most frightening quality in the face of a judge is the dull stupidity that I have seen in the faces of some powerful persons. ("Deborah T. Poritz and Conduct Unbecoming to the Judiciary in New Jersey.")

Even when the so-called "hearing" takes place days after torture, when victims are dressed in nice suits, mentally, proceedings always take place in a torture chamber -- that is, for victims of torture. I expected more "errors" to be inserted by now.

One torturer said to me that I would never be believed. They would even tell me what to believe. I would have to accept it. "There is no truth," they explain with a smile, "only power." A torturer said: "Most people want to be told what to believe."

Is that right, Terry? This may be the most insightful comment on the political realities we live with now. Populations want to be told what to believe. The same person then instructed me to be truthful at all times. I am sure that Terry is incapable of detecting a contradiction in these statements. In accepting the Nobel prize for literature, Harold Pinter protested on behalf of persons like me:

"It never happened. Nothing ever happened. Even while it was happening it wasn't happening. It didn't matter. It was of no interest."

My effort to be as accurate as possible about the recollection of my ordeal -- even when fighting obstructions, hackers, and efforts to frustrate me in setting down these words -- is one attempt to resist becoming what my torturers are, zombie-like servants of power. If you take the time to read these words, then you will contribute to resisting such evils by your humanity and compassion. It may be necessary to explain to persons burdened with astonishing levels of stupidity and ignorance that the repetitions in this text are deliberate.

At this moment, somewhere in the world, a person is being tortured. We must have the courage and maturity to say that this must not be. No one should be tortured. This absolute prohibition is proper not only because of the harm done to victims, but (equally) because of the harm to our own cultures and societies, to ourselves, resulting from the human fondness for cruelty. Torture, even in an extreme case, is a taste of a highly addictive substance -- human cruelty, fondness for and delight in evil, absolute power over others.

By torturing anyone we begin a "process" that will not be halted easily, leading us by a sure path to concentration camps and mass murder. I ask judges who have allowed such things to take place and/or covered them up: How can you live with yourselves? How can you wear judicial robes? How is it that you do not wish to know? ("Law and Ethics in the Soprano State" and "New Jersey's 'Ethical' Legal System.")

Dr. Terry whispers to the "important" people on the committee, shakes hands. I am not allowed to speak. I don't know what is being said behind the scenes. What happened to the recordings? I am given three minutes to say whether I admit my "disgraceful" conduct. If I do not admit my guilt, then I am not cooperating and this too is an offense. If I admit my guilt, then I am guilty and will receive the same penalty anyway. "Everything is very fair," they tell me.

"Yes, I have done things that are morally wrong in my life." I am not permitted to say more than this. They will let me know the outcome eventually. I will get a letter. (See "A Letter From the DRB, in New Jersey!" and "Another Letter From the DRB, in New Jersey!")

Someone will get back to me. They continue to chat for a few minutes. I am given the opportunity to thank Dr. Terry and all who have helped me so much.

"Is there something that I want to say to all of these lovely and highly ethical people?"

Yes, there is. And I will rely on Shakespeare because he has allowed me to endure the humiliation and pain of this experience, by reminding me of what it is to love and be loved by a few others, even in my ... current condition. This is what makes me human, I think, as well as my faults, certainly, which I am glad to acknowledge -- because it frees me from them, allowing me to overcome them -- something that I might have managed without the obstructions of this nightmare through the creation of art or texts. There are things to say about all of you. I take a deep breath. I repeat these things now, to myself, every day, each time that I correct the "errors" inserted in my writings:

"Shakespeare teaches me to pity you for what you have lost or traded in to wear a nice suit or sit on a committee -- for a nice home in Ridgewood, with Terry, Clifton (or Paramus?), with Diana -- and a late model car. For example, I am sorry for "Dr." Terry -- and even more for Diana -- though she may no longer be capable of understanding what I say. They have lost their humanity. I hope that I can help them to recover it. Without that humanity, they are so much poorer than the poorest person in the world. They must suffer so much in their obliviousness and routines, in their efficiency and self-regard, even if they are very 'well adjusted.' They must suffer a kind of permanent 'soul-blindness,' an inability to see what they do to others, or what happens to themselves as they do it. The faults they wish to correct in others are really only what they see in themselves, aren't they? And so is what they hate really only to be found in themselves."

I think I have everyone's attention now. Ignoring these accusations will be difficult no matter what further insults are directed at me and regardless of the "errors" inserted in these writings:

"I want to thank them, most of all, for reminding me both of what is a human being and of what can no longer be called fully human. I am grateful for their reminder that no matter what the reward or threat may be, I am not tempted to become what they are, less than persons and far from human." ("Menendez Consorts With Underage Prostitutes.")

Maybe it is only the loss of humanity that allows a Jew -- or anyone -- to become Mengele or Eichmann in order to assist in the psychological assassination of fellow human beings. Am I finally being seen? I hope so. I remember some lines from Hamlet which are the perfect words for my "superiors" to ponder as they contemplate my fate and what is now their own. This is my response to all the threats and insults, harassments and defacements of my work:

"... we defy augury; there's a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now, yet it will come: the readiness is all: since no man has ought of what he leaves, what is't to leave betimes? Let be."